


Beyond the Scene: Conundrum

by Avidal



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avidal/pseuds/Avidal
Summary: Will and Deanna meet for the first time again.Another perspective on the TNG episode "Conundrum" (5x14)
Relationships: William Riker/Deanna Troi
Kudos: 14





	Beyond the Scene: Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

> Credit where credit is due:  
> This piece is inspired by episode 5x14, story by Paul Schiffer, directed by Les Landau.
> 
> The definition of the term 'imzadi' is taken from one of my favorite fanfic authors, Glitteratiglue. I read it in one of her amazing stories, and had to use it. There isn't a better definition.

Ten Forward - Will

I was captivated from the moment I saw her come down the steps, that first time we met in Ten Forward. She had a gracefulness about her, and the sound of her voice, and that accent...

She hadn't been any more successful than us in finding out what had happened, but she did have a couple of things to tell us. First, she presented the android to us. An android in uniform serving drinks behind the bar. It didn't take much brain power to figure out there was something off about that. Then she told us about her unique ability to sense what other people were feeling. That had made me think that she was not entirely human. Or, actually, more than human.  
That's when I really noticed her eyes; when she stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Her pitch black eyes dragged me into the mystery that she was to me. There was definitely something from another world about her.

I broke out of my trance to ask her if something was wrong. I hadn't known if I should've had to worry about the way she'd just gone quiet like that; staring at me with an expression I couldn't identify. I mean, I liked the attention she was giving me, but I'd gotten the feeling that she wasn't exactly sure what was happening.

Then she told me that, just for a moment, I seemed familiar.

Out of all the people there, I was the one that felt familiar to her. It was like a gift from fate. I was cautious, though. I didn't want to place my faith on a feeling, so I asked her if she remembered me.

But she didn't know who I was. It was just something about me.

I was disappointed, obviously. I had been hoping for more; any little thing she could tell me about that familiarity she felt from me. I wanted to keep talking to her, to keep looking at her, and to keep her close to me. But I didn't know how to do that. Not with the ensign there, nor with the urgency to decipher what was going on. That's when we were called back to the bridge. The team there had gained access to the personnel files. I hated to leave, but I was anxious to get back there to learn the name of this fascinating woman.

* *

Ten Forward - Deanna

I heard the doors open and a strong, commanding voice asking who reported to the bridge. I saw a tall, broad shouldered man in a red and black uniform, and a carefully trimmed beard. A slender, black haired, younger woman with ridges on the bridge of her nose accompanied him. She was also in uniform.

I heard his concern when he asked me if I had some insight into what happened, but all I had were the two things that stood out for me, other than the fact that I suddenly found myself in a large room full of strangers who were experiencing the exact same thing.  
I presented the artificial life form to them. He was behind the bar serving drinks. I found it odd that an android serving drinks would be wearing a uniform, but I didn't want to assume anything so I presented him as the bartender. I figured that the facts would sort themselves out in due time. Then I told them about this ability that I had learned, quite abruptly, that I possessed.

Even though the young woman was there, I found myself exclusively addressing him. Tall, with serious yet warm blue eyes. Or maybe gray, it was hard to tell in the dim lights. Very handsome.

I was telling him about how I had a strong sense of what other people were feeling, and at one point it started to feel like he was the only other person in the room with me. And that's when, just for an instant, it passed through my entire body, this sensation of familiarity with him. Like when the taste of a long forgotten sweet brings back memories from your childhood. Only, this sensation carried no memories. It was just a feeling. There was something about him that felt familiar. I was taken aback by that feeling. It came without warning. And I don't know what kind of expression I must have had, because he asked me if something was wrong.

Whatever it was, it had certainly not felt wrong. It was the only thing that had felt right since all of this uncertainty began. But I only told him that, just for a moment, he had seemed familiar.  
I may have needed to explain myself further because his eyes had widened, hopeful, when he had asked me if I remembered him. I felt badly telling him that I didn't know who he was, it was just something about him. I wished I could have given him more.  
By then I was aware of everyone around us, but I was fixated on him. Who was he?  
He was certainly having an effect on me. There was an intensity in his presence that drew me in.

I unblocked my sense a little bit, carefully. I didn't want to get hit by an avalanche of collective emotions like I had the first time. I just lowered my shield a bit and concentrated on him. I was able to catch a glimpse of disappointment, but also a sense of determination behind it.  
At that moment a deep voice summoned them to the bridge. It said that they been able to gain access to the personnel files.  
His gaze with those pale blue eyes, left an impression on me when he gave me one last look before turning to leave. We would soon learn more about ourselves, and hopefully, I would learn more about this very interesting, very attractive man I had just met.

* *

Deanna's quarters - Will

I went back to Ten-Forward after reviewing the personnel database on the bridge. We got some sense of relief in knowing our names, duties, ranks and where our quarters were. Unfortunately, we got no more than just basic information.  
I assigned each bridge officer the task of informing their crew in their particular areas, but I made sure to keep Ten-Forward, and the counselor, for myself. I was relieved when the engineer, the one with the visor, asked the ensign to help him out in engineering. It was a large section of the ship with a lot of crew members. It saved me from having to assign her somewhere myself.  
The way she had come on to me earlier in the corridor...I hadn't expect that, but I had begun to consider it. She was definitely not playing hard to get. It would've been an easy good time.

Like a dumbass, I didn't get it at first. Conjure up an interesting holodeck program, I'd said when she had asked me what I would have been doing if everything were the way it was supposed to be. But that wasn't what she'd meant. I definitely didn't need a holodeck to have a good time, and the promise of one was falling right into my lap.  
But then, I met the counselor, and I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since. It had been a nice surprise to discover that she was a member of the senior staff. Her personnel profile had imprinted itself into my memory when it had appeared on screen.  
Deanna Troi, ship's counselor, half human, half betazoid. She had empathic abilities, it said. That was what she'd been talking about when she'd told me about being able to feel other people's feelings. She had said that she didn't know if it meant anything, when she had told me about this ability she had discovered in herself. How she could downplay that was beyond my comprehension. I thought it made her more unique than she already was.

So I made it to Ten Forward again and found her at a table, nibbling on a chocolate square. I told her about the access to the personnel database, but not to the medical profiles. I had wanted to bring her more about this ability of hers, but unfortunately I couldn't. I'd thought it would have been nice to surprise her with more knowledge about herself. It had seemed a little more subtle than bringing her flowers. But I had neither to offer.

Her kind demeanor was evident to me when she started listing the obvious benefits of having our profiles available to us. Maybe she had felt my disappointment and was trying to save me from it, because that's what it felt like she was doing. Whatever it was, she was very pleasant to be around. It was a major contrast with the ensign. Practically total opposites. The ensign had this insistent, aggressive energy. But the counselor had a thoughtful approach, calm, polite. There was a depth to her, and I was drawn towards finding out what other layers composed this intriguing woman.  
So then I introduced myself. Finally we would be able to talk to each other using our names.  
William Riker, a pleasure to meet you. And she extended a hand.  
The sound of my name in her voice, it was nice. It was the first time I'd heard my name said by someone else.

I took her hand and held it for a moment, trying not to get caught up in how warm and delicate it felt. I think I failed at that, since I just stared at her with a dumb smile plastered on my face. But the way she looked at me, it made me wonder if the physical contact was causing her to remember more about me. But then her eyebrows went up and her head tilted to one side. I let go of her hand, realizing that I had been holding on longer than necessary. But she kept looking at me funny. I was confused.  
Her name. She had been waiting for me to tell her her name. I fumbled with the data pad in my hands. What an idiot. What was it about this woman that made me feel like a fool, and like the most interesting man in the world, all at the same time? I managed to pull up her profile and hand her the data pad. Upside down.

Deanna Troi, she read, and then smiled at me again.

It's my pleasure to meet you, Deanna Troi.  
What she didn't know is that I had already practiced her name several times on my way there.

I broke away from that moment to do what I had come here to do. One of the things that I had come here to do. I pulled up the personnel database into the computer panel at the bar, and instructed everyone there to find the information they needed and go home for the night. Once that was done, I returned my attention to Deanna Troi.

I asked her if I could escort her to her quarters, and she didn't answer right away. I thought that I may have come on a little too strong; that maybe it was too much too soon for her. But then she smiled and said of course. That was a relief. I didn't want her getting the wrong idea, so I told her that my quarters were also on the same deck as hers. This, I didn't tell her, but finding out that we lived on the same deck was one of the highlights of my day, second only to meeting her.

Considering that the only thing we had in common at the moment, was our search for more knowledge about ourselves, I started talking about the things that I had learned through the personnel profiles. I wanted to hear her voice and to know what was on her mind. I told her about how some of our duties overlapped, like bridge duty and overseeing diplomatic events. Personnel evaluations was another responsibility that we shared, and I thought that we worked together regularly, mostly because of this one.  
From her comments I could tell she was an excellent listener. Well, obviously she had to be if she was the ship's counselor. The last observation she made was that we had pretty big roles to fill on the ship, and then we were outside her quarters. She thanked me for my help, and I was getting ready to say goodnight, when she asked me to come in for a minute. Like I was going to say no to that.

I followed her inside and stood by the door. I wanted to give her some space to explore her quarters. They must have been as unfamiliar to her as the were to me. I observed her as she circled her place, peeked into her bedroom, lifted up trinkets and decorations. I didn't have her ability to perceive other people's feelings, but I could tell that she was perturbed.  
She told me that nothing felt right. Not her quarters, nor the ship, nor the war. All I could give her was some platitude about war never feeling right, and she agreed.

I had started to feel like we had run out of topics of conversation, when she turned back towards me. I didn't know if she had noticed my staring. I hadn't taken my eyes off of her the entire time. Everything about her fascinated me: her eyes, her figure, her gracefulness, her voice, and everything in that highly intelligent mind of hers. I also didn't know if I was the kind to fall so hard for a woman I'd just met. What I did know was that this was beyond my control. Then her shoulders dropped and her attitude changed. On impulse, I went towards her, hoping she could tell me what it was.  
It was that feeling. The one where I seemed familiar. I was the only thing that did.

I don't know why, but I felt privileged. Hoping that I could help her recall anything at all, I asked her again, if she could remember anything specific about us. I realized what I had said as I was saying it; asking her to remember anything about us. I was assuming there was an us. Wishful thinking at its best.  
In the most unconvincing way, she said she didn't know. But then she came right up close to me and touched my hair. I could smell her perfume. And her fingertips grazing my forehead...I won't even mention what that did to me. And as if that wasn't enough, she brought her hand down to my cheek with the gentlest touch.  
If we were talking about familiar feelings, I was having one right there.  
That was the closest we had ever been, and I forced myself to concentrate on her eyes. In spite of how much I wanted to, kissing her right then went against my better judgment.

I'd thought she may have felt what was going through my mind because she pulled her hand away and went back to answering my question.  
She associated me with certain feelings, and it was like remembering an emotion.

I wasn't entirely sure what she meant by that, but then, it seemed to be her area of expertise. I said I hoped they were good feelings. And judging by this exchange we just had, it was obvious to me that they were. I just hadn't known what else to say. And the way she said, 'yes, they are'...damn it, I wanted to kiss her. But she took a step back and said that this entire situation was unnerving. I wasn't sure if she was hinting at this particular situation between us, or at literally the entire situation on the ship. All I could think to say was that it had been a long day and we had been through a lot. She was right, it was unnerving. But to me, it was because she and I just couldn't get past the small talk.  
She said we certainly have, and then planted the sweetest kiss on my cheek. Totally unexpected. And she smelled so good.  
I was glad that my hands were busy holding on to the data pad, otherwise it might have been harder to keep them off the beautiful counselor. I decided I had better say goodnight to her, before doing something I might have ended up regretting.  
I made sure to tell her that I'd see her the next day. I wasn't going to waste any opportunity to explore these familiar feelings with her.

* *

Deanna's quarters - Deanna

He came back to Ten-Forward, as he told me this place on the ship was called. Earlier, he had gone to review the personnel files that had been finally accessed. I stayed, helping the people here to remain calm, and to cope with whatever it was that had just happened.

This ability that I had was making it possible for me to help them face their dread and anxiety, turning it into something more tolerable. Being able to access their emotions, yet remain detached from them, gave me an advantage in the task of emotion management. I seemed to have a certain degree of expertise in this field.

At first, it had been like a wave catching me off guard on the shore; hitting me in a moment of distraction. All the emotions at once, all similarly distraught. A wave of fear, confusion, dread, panic, all mixed into one. It felt like I was drowning. Fortunately, I was sitting down when it happened. I don't know if I could have remained standing after that, it was so strong. But a second later, I blocked them. It was like an instinct because I didn't really think about it. I just did it. Like when you shield your eyes from a bright light.

Anyway, he came to Ten-Forward again. He told me they were able to access the personnel database, but that the personnel medical files were still unreachable. The emotions he carried into that last revelation held a bit of resentment, or disappointment, I wasn't sure. He was upset about not being able to solve that problem.

I told him that we had plenty with the personnel database. At least now we would know our names, our roles on this ship, our quarters and if we had any familial relationships with anyone.  
Of course he knew all of that, but I got a smile out of him anyway. I think he appreciated the thoughtfulness in pointing out the positives.

Then he presented himself. Commander William Riker, second in command of the starship Enterprise.

Pleased to meet you, William Riker. Being able to say his name gave me a sense of satisfaction. Like it was a tiny step forward in discovering the connection between myself and this man that I was so drawn to.

I extended my hand with my greeting. His hand was strong and a little rough. Like the hands of someone who did some kind of manual labor. I wondered what kind of manual labor a commander of a starship did. But he held mine gently, and while he was smiling at me, I noticed he got lost in his thoughts for a moment. Meanwhile I was being absorbed into his pale blue eyes.  
I was loving the sensation of his hand wrapped around mine, but I really wanted to return the greeting, and for that I needed to know my name. So I gave him a look, wondering how long it would take him to catch on. I had secretly been enjoying the effect that I was having on him. It felt like payback for the effect that he had been having on me.

Then he just let go of my hand, as if he realized he had crossed a line or something. And it took him a moment, but he finally realized that he still hadn't told me my name. He handed me the data pad he had brought with him. Upside down.

Lieutenant Commander Deanna Troi, ship's counselor of the starship Enterprise, half human, half betazoid. It turned out that my betazoid half gave me my ability to feel the emotions of others.  
I said my name out loud. And before I could say anything else, he said, 'it's my pleasure to meet you, Deanna Troi'. It was the first time I had heard anyone else say my name. It was nice to hear him say it. I wanted to hear him say it again.

He excused himself for a moment, went over to the bar and brought up the personnel database into the computer panel there, and instructed everyone to take turns finding their profile, identifying their quarters and to go home for the night. Then he came back and asked me if I would allow him to escort me to my quarters, and my heart skipped a beat. It was that feeling again. When I put my attention on him, it washed up against me like ripples in the water. It was a very pleasant feeling. Of course I would allow him to escort me to my quarters. I would have put anything aside just to spend time with the only person that gave me a sense of familiarity amongst all the strangers, and strangeness, around me. That's when I learned that we had quarters on the same deck. I had felt comfort in that, and wondered if he'd felt the same.

On the way to my quarters, he told me that, from the way that some of our duties overlapped, he thought that we worked together regularly. Amongst the duties we shared were personnel evaluations. I made a comment about how he and I had pretty big roles to fill on this ship. He agreed, and by that time we had reached the doors to my quarters.  
I thanked him for his help, but I couldn't bring myself to say goodnight just yet, so I asked him to come in for a minute. I didn't know what for, I just didn't want to be alone and I didn't want him to leave. The only one who could keep that feeling of loneliness at bay, was him.

Once we were inside, I looked around the room, searching for more familiarity, but all I got was the feeling that the room belonged to someone else. That fluttering in my stomach came back. That odious anxiety. I told him that nothing felt right. Not just my quarters, but the ship. And the war. We were in a war. And we were dropped into this with no memories of ourselves and our lives. Nothing felt right, nor did it make sense.

He said that war never feels right.  
It was true. And that's all I could really say to him, because I knew that he couldn't perceive things the way that I could. I didn't think I could explain the urgency in that feeling of panic that arose in me when I dwelt on the events we were going through.

When I turned around he was still standing by the doors, keeping a respectful distance, but observing me with curiosity and an attraction that seemed to surprise him a little. If he'd had my empathic abilities, he would have known how much of my thoughts were consumed by him. Then I felt it again. That ripple against me. It felt so good, but at the same time it frustrated me. What was familiar about him?  
He noticed and walked up to me asking me what it was. I told him it was that same feeling again. That he seemed familiar, and was the only thing that did. Being the practical man that I assumed he was, since he was the one responsible for ensuring the captain's orders got carried out, he asked me if I could remember anything specific about us.

About us.  
There was an 'us', and it was a part of this familiar feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. Yet.  
There was an 'us', and there was that lock of hair.  
Was an 'us' something specific? I didn't know and that's what I told him. But that rebellious curl, right above his forehead, it captured my attention. I reached up and tried to put it back in place, unsuccessfully. It was the most natural thing, like it was something I did without thinking. Without asking for permission. Like what I did next. My hand went from the curl in his hair to the side of his face. I couldn't imagine touching a stranger like this, but he didn't feel like a stranger, and I needed to touch him. Then his fantastically blue eyes drew me in.

The way he was looking deep into mine only intensified that ripple of familiarity that passed through my body when we were face to face. I remembered his question, and gave him the only answer I could give, because it was the only thing that was clear in my mind. What I felt was an association of him with certain feelings, and the sensation I got was more like remembering an emotion.  
He granted me a smile, and said he hoped they were good feelings.  
We were so close we could have kissed. And I panicked a little when I realized that I didn't know where it would lead. I mean, he wasn't a complete stranger to me but I had, literally, just met him.

I said that they were. They were feelings that I didn't want to let go. I wanted to touch him again. So much that I clasped my hands together and took a step back. As much as I hated the thought, I needed to put some distance between us. I didn't know what to do with everything I was feeling about him. I needed space to think and collect myself. So I took a breath, cleared my thoughts, and told him that the situation was a little bit unnerving. Maybe if I hinted that I was uncomfortable, he would excuse himself and allow me some solitude.

He played into the small talk saying it had been a long day and that we had been through a lot. But he just stayed there. I felt some disappointment from him when the mood changed, but I didn't want the atmosphere between us to change. I just said that we certainly had been through a lot. But all I could think of was how good it felt to be close to him. I think he could see it in the way I was looking at him.

That impulse to touch him sparked again. I didn't want to fight it, but I had to be quick about it. Like I said, we had just met. I stepped up to him and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, and as I did I inhaled his scent. That made another piece of the familiarity puzzle click into place. He returned the gesture with the warmest smile I had gotten from him yet.

He didn't mind my touches or advances at all, but he didn't do anything to encourage them either, other than a smile or a lingering gaze. A gentleman. I wouldn't have expected anything less from the commander of a starship.  
He gave me another charming smile and bid me goodnight. We would see each other the following day. Then, he was gone. And as soon as the doors slid closed behind him, that anxiety riddled stew of emotions bubbled up instantly. As if the lid had been lifted off a boiling pot.

I took one last look around my quarters, then went to look for pajamas, curious to find out what kind of sleepwear I preferred. Bed sounded like a good idea. I hoped that I would have a dreamless sleep, and would wake up rested the next day to have another chance at William Riker.

* *

Will's quarters - Will

William T. Riker  
It was on the plaque awarded to me for the completion of my studies at Starfleet Academy. It would have been nice to be able to remember what exactly I had studied there.

The door chime rang and I, automatically, said come in. I should have asked who it was, since almost all the people on this ship had been complete strangers to me. But it was Deanna. The only person that I was happy to invite in.  
The realization then hit me that it could just as easily have been Ro, and then what? She would have come in like this was her own place, and what, ordered dinner? Loaded a movie and planted herself on my sofa? Thrown herself at me like last night? I mean, last night had been all right. It had been intense and quick. Ro had been aggressive, which I had kind of expected, judging from the way she had come on to me. But it was sex with a stranger. I didn't know what my standards were, but it hadn't felt right. And I was really glad she hadn't spent the night.

And now, Deanna was here. She came in fidgeting with her hands, but before I could ask her anything, she said she was restless, and if I minded that she visit. I would have told her to stay as long as she wanted, if I hadn't still been unsure of how to approach her. I still didn't know where that line was with her. All that came out of my mouth was, 'please'. I don't know where the formality had come from. Though I had noticed that my mind tended to stumble in the counselor's presence.

So, I'd been about to offer her a seat and something to drink, but her expression made me ask her what was wrong instead.

She was afflicted, like she had been the previous day, but thoughts about the war and our mission were giving her a strong sense of panic. I hadn't heard anyone describe their feelings about the war like she did. People had doubts, others had fears, but only Deanna had expressed such an intense level of anxiety. Maybe her sensitivity to other people's feelings had had something to do with that. But, like the day before, I couldn't offer her any relief. I just said what I had already told her: that neither she nor any of us would ever feel good about the war, but we had a mission to complete. I hadn't thought that my answer had helped at all, so I moved on to a different strategy: distraction.

I almost put my hand on her back, but I managed to stop myself and just put a light touch on her elbow to guide her attention towards my desk. The night before, I had gathered together a few of the items that had given me insight into who I was. I told her that I had been doing some research into myself, and showed her my musical skills with the trombone. They weren't bad, actually. Maybe advanced intermediate level. I would have to play some more to figure it out. But she was impressed.

She studied some of the items on my desk while I gave her a recount of what I had uncovered about myself: I was from Alaska, I liked to climb mountains, I liked exotic foods, and I took my vacations on a planet called Risa.  
Then she picked up the book. Ode to Psyche, by John Keats. From the way she reacted to the title, it seemed like it had survived the memory block. But perhaps she needed a reminder of the inscription I had found inside. I told her to open it.  
She flipped the first page and found it, and read it out loud.  
To Will. All my love, Deanna.

I had been hoping that the dedication would jog her memory. I said it maybe would explain some of the familiar feelings we had because, I too had been feeling something about her, although I didn't know if it was a memory, or something new. But it really didn't matter to me one way or another.  
Then she was quiet for a moment, looking at me like trying to decipher a code. The next move was hers. I just waited.

She reached up and touched my hair, like she had the day before in her quarters. But this time it was just for a second. She pulled her hand away and said she didn't know what to think.  
I could tell she was feeling insecure, but from the way her eyes had never left mine, I could also tell she wanted something from me. And what I wanted was to give her the assurance that what she had been feeling about me was right. Whatever was going on in the universe at that instant became irrelevant, as we closed the distance between us, and our lips touched.  
Kissing Deanna was a whole different level. It was comfortable and sweet. It was like we had kissed many times before. I couldn't break away, her lips were delicious.

Then, out of the blue, I heard her say something that sounded like “I'm sad”, but not exactly. I asked her if she had said something. It was strange because I was sure we had been kissing when she said that. I hadn't known how that was possible. But she hadn't said anything. I told her I had heard her say she was sad. It was her voice.  
She repeated the words a couple of times, like testing their sound, and then she said the exact word that I had heard.

Imzadi. Her eyes grew wide.

Yes, that was it. That's what I'd heard her say, clear as day.  
But she insisted that she hadn't said it.  
And I insisted that I had heard it.  
Then she said that she hadn't said it, she had thought it. The word had jumped out from her memory when we had been kissing.  
But how could I have heard her say it if she had only been thinking it? And what did it mean?  
She said it meant the first to reach your soul.

We were speechless for a moment. What had happened had left us both confused. I thought about the meaning of the word.  
Is that what I am to you?  
She had been about to say something, but she stopped and I let her have that moment. She was obviously as shocked as I was. She thought about it for a minute, then she put her hand on my chest. She said she didn't have any memories of us but, yes, she believed I was that to her. It felt right. I pulled her closer for another kiss.

The door chime rang and broke the spell.  
Who is it? I remembered to ask. It was Ensign Ro.  
Damn it to hell, I had forgotten all about her. What was she doing here? Deanna was looking back and forth between me and the door, waiting for me to handle the situation.

Ensign, I'm busy right now.

I'd thought she had left after that because there was silence. But right as I was returning my attention to Deanna, we were interrupted again.

So...can I come back later?

I didn't give even a fragment of a nanosecond of thought to that question.

No. Goodnight, Ensign.

That had been clear enough for her. I felt Deanna's hand against my cheek, turning me back to her. This time her hand went around to the back of my neck, and she pulled me down for a kiss. She was standing on her toes, so I wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her against me.  
You know, for support.  
This time the kiss was more demanding, more familiar. I don't know how long we'd been like that, but at one point we both needed a little air. This time I touched her hair, putting it back in place. This time I ran my hand across her cheek.

I finally got around to offering her something to drink. I seemed to have gotten sidetracked earlier.  
She wanted jasmine tea so I ordered it and joined her on the sofa, where she had already made herself comfortable. What the rest of evening had to offer, I didn't know, but what Deanna and I had just shared made anything possible.  
* *

Will's quarters - Deanna

I stopped just outside the doors to his quarters. I didn't really know what I was doing there. I didn't know what I would say to him. But it was the only place I could think to go. I couldn't stay in my quarters, and just the thought of going somewhere crowded made me nervous. I needed a friend and I knew I could find one in William, so I rang the door bell and threw caution to the wind.

I found him at his desk. I felt relief when I sensed that he was glad to see me. I had been worried about catching him at a bad time, like him getting ready for bed, or something. I didn't know his schedule or personal routines, and I didn't want to barge in at the wrong time, although it hadn't been that late in the evening. I think it was the anxiety I had been carrying around for the past two days. It was what had been making me insecure about everything. It's what had had me restless, and filling me with a longing for his calm and centered energy.

So now I was there. I told him I was restless, and if he minded if I visited. I could let my guard down with him. It felt safe. I think my visit did surprise him a little. He seemed at a bit of a loss for words. My nervousness must have been obvious to him because he asked me what was wrong.  
I told him about the sense of panic I had been feeling every time I had thoughts of the war and our mission in it.  
I could sense his concern, but his reply didn't match his emotions. It was just the same thing he had said to me the day before. But I let it go. He probably wouldn't understand if I tried to explain, and I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to explain it very well, either. Fortunately, he switched the focus of the conversation, and drew my attention to his desk. The tentative touch he placed on my arm was a first. It was a tiny little signal that he was growing more comfortable with me, and it was encouraging.

So he started telling me about what he had discovered about himself. First, he played a few bars on his trombone. It wasn't bad. Loud, but not bad. I said I was impressed. A little encouragement never hurt anyone.  
I looked at some of the things on his desk while he told me what each one meant to him. He was from a place called Alaska. He climbed mountains. That explained his rough hands. Exotic foods. Okay, that seemed like something we could share.  
I picked up a small book that looked a little worn. Ode to Psyche, by John Keats. Immediately I knew I had read it. He told me to open it.  
To Will. All my love, Deanna.

My goodness. My heart beat faster. I felt it again, that familiarity. It was like a force pulling me to him. He said that maybe the dedication would help explain the familiar feelings we had. Was he having them too?  
I honed my senses onto him, hoping for something that would answer my question. But his eyes were locked onto mine. Goodness, they were hypnotizing. Everything he had been feeling became magnified. Affection, attraction, desire, anticipation, hope...He was also restraining a strong urge to make a move.

Again, I had that need to touch him. What was it about that lock of hair that always caught my attention? I reached up and tried to put it back in place, and I got the feeling that I had done that many times before. I pulled back before I could become overpowered by this emotional tide.

All the little clues that came together painted a clearer picture in my mind of what it was that made him so familiar to me. But still, whatever sense of resolve I could have built tumbled under the stress of the surreal haze that had been permeating every aspect of our lives since the day before.  
I didn't know what to think.  
I felt him leaning in closer. That sense of anticipation I was now feeling was my own. I was locked in place, my heart was racing. Our lips touched.

His kiss was warm and decided. There was a synchronicity between us. A level of comfortable intimacy that only made me want him more. I felt his hands wrap around my shoulders, and I think it was more to steady himself than anything else. His emotions were flowing into me, or mine into him, I wasn't sure. But this exchange had seemed to unlock something in my mind because a word jumped out at me. I had known this word, although I hadn't been able to recall ever having used it. I knew its meaning, and I knew it was bout him. It was him.

He pulled away all of a sudden.  
I opened my eyes to a confused look on his handsome face. He asked me if I had said anything, but I hadn't.  
He told me he had heard me say what sounded like, I'm sad.

I'm sad? I'm sad...  
I gasped. I couldn't believe it.

Imzadi.

Yes! That's what he had clearly heard me say.  
But I hadn't said it.  
But he insisted that he had heard it.  
But I hadn't said it, I had thought it. It had jumped out at me through our flow of emotions while we had been kissing.

He was very surprised, shocked at what had just happened between us. But then, so was I.  
How could he have heard what I was thinking? What did the word mean? The questions stumbled out of him.

The first to reach your soul.  
I gave him the most enlightened meaning of the word, hoping it's sophistication wouldn't be lost in him. The more nuanced facets of it would have to reveal themselves in time.

It took us a moment to try to make sense of what had just happened. Then he asked me if that was what he was to me. What a question! I had almost said I didn't know, but I stopped myself. That wasn't true. That word, it was him. He drew it out of me. He was imzadi to me. I put my hand on his chest -touching him was almost involuntary now- and I told him what was in my heart.  
I don't have any memories of us but, yes, I believe you are imzadi to me. It feels right.  
Without another word, he bent down, pulling me in for another kiss, and the door chime interrupted.

He asked who it was, clearly annoyed, as was I.

It was Ensign Ro.  
Who was Ensign Ro? I had no idea.

He hesitated for an instant, which had made me seriously start to wonder if he was capable of letting whomever Ensign Ro was, interrupt this moment.  
But he said he was busy. No explanations. Just, 'I'm busy'.  
Good job, Commander. So where were we?  
His eyes came back to me. I was about to feel his lips against mine again, but we were blocked. Again.

So...can I come by later?

My thought had been, is she serious?  
He rolled his eyes. This time, he didn't give her a second thought.

No. Goodnight, Ensign.

My goodness, was I falling in love?  
I recovered his attention by guiding his head back towards me. But I couldn't leave it at that. I pulled him down from the back of his neck, stood on my toes, and went back for more. It was my turn. His large, rock climbing hands took hold of my waist and pressed me against him. I couldn't even have begun to describe how good and right that felt. If I were ever to need it, his is the body that I would want to lean against for support.

This kiss spoke of need and trust. And after I don't know how long, we came up for air. Now he was the one brushing my hair back in place and caressing my face with so much care, it had started to feel as if the whole universe would disappear and leave the two of us standing there, orbiting each other forever.

Then, out of nowhere, he asked me if I wanted something to drink. It took me out of my trance. He apologized, saying that he had been about to ask me when I had come in, but that he had gotten a little distracted. It made me laugh. His sense of humor was a facet of his personality I was determined to get to know.  
I asked him for jasmine tea. I didn't know what I liked, and the perfume in that little bottle in my quarters had reminded me of jasmine flower, so that's what had popped into my mind. He went to the replicator and I went to the sofa, where he joined me.

I had found my imzadi through a wall no one else had been able to break. From this point on, with Will, anything was possible.

* * *


End file.
